John Butcher

Just once in a while a  little something comes our way to brighten our lives and we just can't refuse it.  John Butcher is a long standing supporter of fileybay and when we asked him about his journalistic and broadcasting career, we just had to publish his response in full.

John is a presenter on Kingstown Radio (1350 AM) and has a lifetimes experience of travelling in exotic parts which is reflected in his superbly produced programme - Time and Tide.  He is featured on The Listening Zone where you may purchase his new CD and find out more about him.  We have reviewed the CD and it is worth every penny, So take it away John:

Hello, I’m John Butcher. Welcome to Time and Tide.

 The sale of wives by their husbands was a common practice in the 18^th and early 19^th century, and continued in some parts of England until around 1890. Usually the wife was led into the market place by her husband with a rope around her neck, paraded around the square, and then sold to the highest bidder. Quite often prices were extremely reasonable. In 1817 a wife was sold in Nottingham was threepence, and in 1884 one went for one penny, with a free dinner thrown in.

 It’s not quite as easy as that anymore. If you want a proper wife you have to marry her, and people want the occasion to be something special. To this end, I was contacted by a friend whose son was soon to get hitched. She asked if I could come up with an appropriate reading for the reception.  In her own words, something “short, but romantic, funny, moving, and sincere”. So that’s as clear as mud, then. Not to be defeated though, I racked my brains and my first suggestion was a declaration of ‘The Rules’. This is a secret document written on the skin of a dead hen-pecked husband. Copies are extremely rare but, despite a particularly humiliating ordeal with which I won’t distress you, I managed to get hold of one.

Rule one. The female always makes the rules. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

 Rule two. No male can possibly know all the rules.

If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.

 The female is never wrong.

 If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male said or did wrong.

 The male must apologise immediately for causing said misunderstanding.

 The female may change her mind at any time.

 The male must never change his mind without the express consent of the female.

 The female has every right to be upset or angry at any time.

 The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.

The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

 The male is expected to mind-read at all times.

 The male who doesn’t abide by the rules can’t take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.

 If the female has PMT all the rules are null and void. And finally, the female is ready when she’s ready.

 Alternatively, I found a suitable quote to welcome my friend’s new daughter-in-law into the family. This is from 1942, and is by William Moulton Marston, creator of ‘Wonder Woman’.

“ the universal characteristics of women everywhere. Her magic lasso is merely a symbol of feminine charm, allure, oomph and attraction. Every woman uses that power on people of both sexes whom she wants to influence or control in any way.

 Instead of tossing a rope, the average woman tosses words, glances, gestures, laughter and vivacious behaviour. If her aim is accurate she snares the attention of her would-be victim and proceeds to bind him or her with her charm. Woman’s charm is the one bond that can be made strong enough to hold a man against all logic, common sense or counter-attack. The fact that many women fail to make strong enough lassos for themselves doesn’t deprive the lasso material of it’s native magic. The only thing is that you have to use enough charm to overcome your captive’s resistance”.

Mr.Marston, incidentally, was also the inventor of the Lie Detector.

The average wedding currently costs around £11,000.  That might sound a lot, but it still doesn’t give much room for manoeuvre. Dresses, food, transport, photographer, the venue, there’s not a lot left over. Increase the budget though, and common sense can slide out of the window; money can’t buy good taste. Ask Cheryl Tweedy, who married Arsenal footballer Ashley Cole.

 Cheryl said she just wanted a quiet family gathering, but before you know it she and hubby are sat on matching thrones in front of hundreds of celebrity guests at a one-million pound extravaganza. On the hen night Cheryl was knocking back pink bubbly at £220 a pop, her dress cost £110,000, and there was a plump magazine deal to pay for it all. Quiet family gathering?

 My friend’s son had a more dignified marriage, and I finally found the perfect reading. This is a song lyric from Canadian duo Kate & Anna McGarrigle :-

 Love is a shiny car

Love is a steel guitar

Love is a battle scar

Love is the morning star.

Love is a twelve-bar blues

Love is your blue suede shoes

Love is a heart abused

Love is a mind confused.

Love is a minor chord

Love is a mental ward

Love is a drawn sword

Love is it’s own reward.