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The Twerp Factors

   From 2012, we are now awarding Twerp Factors on a scale of one to ten to those whose decisions that are made incorrectly, unfairly or downright wrong – anyway, you get the idea.  It normally follows that anyone up to Maximum Twerp Speed could attract a maximum Twerp Factor, but this may not be the case.

   Because we are straightforward folk, to  illustrate the application of  a Twerp Factor we include an example below:


Star Date not so long ago

 The Star Ship USS Enterprise is in deep space.  All is well and Captain T Fuchs is in a happy mood when an object is detected on the scanners.  Sulu makes his report.

 “Captain, we have a large object ahead of us.  It is…er… large.  There are sort of…  well, lots of noughts on the readout.”

 “An object? What object? Order it to get out of the way” At which time Spock makes his own report.

 “Captain, the object is inanimate, indications are that it is man made and constructed of granite, logic concludes that it is not possible for us to order it to move.  Forward lateral inertia calculations indicate that we are in a collision mode, We must move - and quickly”

 “Thank you Mr Spock, what is a man made object doing out this far?  If it is man made then we must own it, surely?"

 Yes Captain, you are correct.  It is part of the defence wall ‘C’, constructed to deter the Klingons from invading our zone.  This part has broken free and is a hazard to navigation, we must move now.”

 “Move?  I have never moved away from anything in my life and I am not starting to do so now.  Establish communication with it Lt. Uhura”.

 “But Captain…” Spock is interrupted by Sulu, “But wait Captain, I conclude that if we move to Twerp Factor Ten and use the Photon torpedoes, then the combined forward dynamic inertia will enable us to pass through the molecular lattice without harm.”

 (Lt Uhura) “What’s a lattice?

“There you are, good man Sulu, a man with an answer to our problem.  How did you determine this fact Sulu?”

 “I guessed at it Captain, but it should work as the Space Federation Consultants have good ideas about this sort of thing”.

 Spock is unimpressed, “They should do, we pay them too much for this sort of rubbish as it is.  Is this in the manual Sulu?”

 “I don’t know because I can’t read the manual, but it looks good and no one will know about it anyway”

 (Captain Fuchs now applies the Savile Protocol) “Case proven Mr Spock.   As I said, what looks good is always foolproof and as I am in charge here, I make the rules and we can cover it up.  The Federation haven’t a clue what we do here so what is the problem?”

 (Spock) “There will be an enquiry…”

 “There will be no enquiry and if there is, I will use my membership of the Eddie Stobart Club to cover it all up.  Sulu, accept a promotion to chief Development Engineer, to take effect immediately”

 “Thank you Captain”

 Lt Uhura “There is no contact with the object Captain, and we have left it too late to use the Photon torpedoes”.

 (Captain Fuchs), Well that’s settled then, fire them anyway and advance to Warp Twerp Ten.  Uhura, Secure the Brown Envelopes”.

   And with that, the Enterprise goes forward to the defences under the required Warp speed and without the use of the Photon Torpedoes.  You can guess the rest, so now see how we arrive at Twerp Factor Ten.

   With apologies to Gene Roddenberry and for the avoidance of doubt, there are no man made granite defences in outer space; however there may be an example of one in a town near to you.

 © 2014